Missing the Royal Navy

Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days &

simulate living onboard a Royal Naval ship once more!

1.

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a

small sleeping bag. .

2.

Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too

small.

3.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket and hang it over the

water pipes to dry.

4.

Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the

curtain, shine a torch in your eyes and say, “sorry mate, wrong

pit.”

5.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your

bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer

barrels in the shower enclosure.

6.

When you shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.

7.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair

and rock as hard as you can until you are sick!!

8.

Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and then set it to high.

9.

Don’t watch TV, just play DVD’s in the middle of the night. Have

your family vote for the film they would most like to see, and

show a different one.

10.

Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to

re-create the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for engineers)

11.

Have a paper-boy cut your hair with blunt scissors:

12.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney.

Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbour’s

house. When he complains, laugh at him.

13.

Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of

anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional –

cold soup or ravioli out of a tin.

14.

Produce a weekly menu without checking what’s in the larder or

fridge.

15.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times

throughout

the

night, when it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as

you can and then run into the garden and turn on the garden

hose.

13

16.

Once a month, take every major household appliance completely

apart then re-assemble.

17.

Use four spoons of coffee per cup. Allow to stand three hours

before drinking.

18.

Invite 40 – 50 people who you don’t like to come and stay with you

for 3 months.

19.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, and then lie

underneath it to read books.

20.

Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all the doors m your

house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your

shins when passing through them.

21.

When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst it is in the

oven. When it has cooled spread icing really thickly on one side

to level it out again.

22.

Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout, “man

overboard’’. Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes

and pans onto the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having

secured for sea.

23.

Nickname your favourite shoes “Steamies”, and then get your

children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

24.

Meticulously plan family trips months in advance, then cancel them an hour

before you set off. Taken from the Shadow - https://www.hms-penelope.com/

Thank you to Mike Bee for the last few items, I will be posting more in the next

shadow,

Please tell us about your time on the Penny, any funny dits/stories or

anything you would like to be added in any edition of the shadow

Terminology

Every profession has its own jargon, and the Navy is no exception. For the Navy, it’s

Bulkhead, deck and overhead and not wall, floor, and ceiling. Some nautical terminology

has found its way into everyday use, and you will find the origins of this and Navy

terminology below.

Above Board

The term today means someone who is honest, forthright. It’s origin comes from

the days when pirates would masquerade as honest merchantmen, hiding most

of their crew behind the bulwark (side of the ship on the upper deck). They hid

below the boards.

Ahoy!

This old traditional greeting for hailing other vessels was originally a Viking

Battle cry.

Between the Devil and the Deep

In wooden ships, the “devil” was the longest seam of the ship. It ran from the

bow to the stern. When at sea and the “devil” had to be caulked, the sailor sat in

a BO’sun’s chair to do so. He was suspended between the “devil” and the sea —

the “deep” — a very precarious position, especially when the ship was

Underway.

Chewing the Fat

“God made the vittles’ but the devil made the cook,” was a popular saying

used by seafaring men in the 19th century when salted beef was staple diet

aboard ship.

This tough cured beef, suitable only for long voyages when nothing else was

cheap or would keep as well (remember, there was no refrigeration), required

prolonged chewing to make it edible. Men often chewed one chunk for hours,

just as it were chewing gum and referred to this practice as “chewing the fat.”

Crow’s Nest

The raven, or crow, was an essential part of the Vikings’ navigation equipment.

These land-lubbing birds were carried on aboard to help the ship’s navigator

determine where the closest land lay when weather prevented sighting the

shore. In cases of poor visibility, a crow was released and the navigator plotted

a course corresponding to the bird’s flight path because the crow invariably

headed towards land.

The Norsemen carried the birds in ’ cage secured to the top of the mast. Later

on, as ships grew and the lookout stood his watch in a tub located high on the

main mast, the name “crow’s nest” was given to this tub. While today’s Navy still

uses lookouts in addition to radars, etc., the crow’s nest is a thing of the past.

Cup of Joe

Josephus Daniels (18 May 1862-15 January 1948) was appointed Secretary of

the Navy by President Woodrow Wilson in 1913. Among his reforms of the Navy

were inaugurating the practice of making 100 Sailors from the Fleet eligible for

entrance into the Naval Academy, the introduction of women into the service,

and the abolishment of the officers’ wine mess. From that time on, the strongest

drink aboard Navy ships could only be coffee and over the years, a cup of

coffee became known as “a cup of Joe”.

UP is a big word Think about it.

UP

Read until the end.....you’ll laugh

....

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter

word, and that word is ‘UP.’ It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep],

[adj], [n] or [v]. It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the

top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At

a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the

officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the

leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old

car. At other times this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP

trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be

dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in

the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP

about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the

word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost ¼ of

the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you

might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot

of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or

more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun

comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When

it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I’ll wrap

it UP, for now........my time is UP! Oh....one more thing: What is the first

thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

UP!

Did that one crack you UP? Don’t screw UP. Send this on to everyone

you look UP in your address book. Or not. It’s UP to you.

Now, I’ll shut UP

[Seal of the Order of St. Michael]

To my humble brother, circa 954,

Verily, I write to thee from a realm beyond thy wildest imagination. The world hath changed in ways both wondrous and bewildering.

In this future era, humanity hath harnessed the power of fire without the need for wood or coal. Marvellous contraptions called "steam engines" have replaced horses as our primary mode of transportation. Thy village will soon be traversed by iron beasts that move with a speed and efficiency previously unimaginable.

The art of communication hath advanced to the point where thy words can reach distant lands in mere moments, carried on invisible messengers known as "electronic whispers." Thou shalt converse with people from afar, sharing knowledge and ideas like never before.

Medicine, too, hath made great strides. Diseases that once ravaged our communities have been vanquished by skilled healers wielding tiny instruments called "surgical tools" and concocting potions from the essence of plants and minerals.

In this future era, women hold positions of power and authority alongside men. The Church's influence, though still present, hath given way to a more nuanced understanding of the world, where diverse perspectives are cherished and respected.

Thy village will be transformed by these advancements, but fear not, for thy simple life is about to become even simpler. New machines have freed humanity from the drudgery of manual labour, allowing thee to pursue passions and interests that bring joy and fulfilment.

Heed this counsel, dear brother: as thou embarkest on thy journey through time, remember that change is both a blessing and a curse. Hold fast to the values of compassion, wisdom, and community that have guided us thus far.

May Fortune smile upon thee in this future era,

Your humble brother