Missing the Royal Navy

- Posted in Peace by

Missing the Royal Navy

Here’s how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days &

simulate living onboard a Royal Naval ship once more!

1.

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a

small sleeping bag. .

2.

Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too

small.

3.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket and hang it over the

water pipes to dry.

4.

Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the

curtain, shine a torch in your eyes and say, “sorry mate, wrong

pit.”

5.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your

bath and move the shower head to chest level. Store beer

barrels in the shower enclosure.

6.

When you shower, remember to turn the water off while you soap.

7.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair

and rock as hard as you can until you are sick!!

8.

Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and then set it to high.

9.

Don’t watch TV, just play DVD’s in the middle of the night. Have

your family vote for the film they would most like to see, and

show a different one.

10.

Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to

re-create the proper noise levels. (Mandatory for engineers)

11.

Have a paper-boy cut your hair with blunt scissors:

12.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney.

Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbour’s

house. When he complains, laugh at him.

13.

Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of

anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional –

cold soup or ravioli out of a tin.

14.

Produce a weekly menu without checking what’s in the larder or

fridge.

15.

Set your alarm clock to go off at random times

throughout

the

night, when it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as

you can and then run into the garden and turn on the garden

hose.

13

16.

Once a month, take every major household appliance completely

apart then re-assemble.

17.

Use four spoons of coffee per cup. Allow to stand three hours

before drinking.

18.

Invite 40 – 50 people who you don’t like to come and stay with you

for 3 months.

19.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, and then lie

underneath it to read books.

20.

Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all the doors m your

house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your

shins when passing through them.

21.

When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst it is in the

oven. When it has cooled spread icing really thickly on one side

to level it out again.

22.

Every so often, throw your cat in the bath and shout, “man

overboard’’. Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes

and pans onto the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having

secured for sea.

23.

Nickname your favourite shoes “Steamies”, and then get your

children to hide them around the house on a random basis.

24.

Meticulously plan family trips months in advance, then cancel them an hour

before you set off. Taken from the Shadow - https://www.hms-penelope.com/

Thank you to Mike Bee for the last few items, I will be posting more in the next

shadow,

Please tell us about your time on the Penny, any funny dits/stories or

anything you would like to be added in any edition of the shadow